Finding the Will to Keep Creating: Where does my Art Belong?
Throughout last year, I found myself struggling with art block. Of course this led into a swirling onslaught of other ringing questions. What place does art, and specifically my art, fulfill in my life? What exactly am I even trying to achieve by creating? I’ve gained some clarity on these questions since then after beginning a simple project that started with clearing a space in my room.
I don’t exactly have a lot of real estate available in my room and it can often be overcome with clutter. One such case was a wall right near my door that faced my bed. For a long period of time, I had some of my larger paintings from the past propped up there. I was being watched by old artwork, which would have an interesting effect passing by all of the time. I thought this was a good thing, a reminder of work I'm capable of. Not being forgotten somewhere. But that wasn’t the underlying feeling it gave me. It was literally in the way. I was on a cleaning and reorganizing bender and I guess I just had enough of it at that point and moved them into my closet, behind my clothes.
Clearing this space was very functional, I was no longer afraid of accidentally opening my door too harshly and piercing a hole through my paintings. However, the more interesting result was actually a sense of emptiness now that that wall was left bare. Not the sort of emptiness I was afraid of, that I was just letting my work collect dust and eventually decay from my memory. Instead I was faced with opportunity, a blank wall— that I could fill.
The paintings from before were never hung there— they were just propped up there, because I didn’t really have anywhere else to put them in sight. So, they weren’t really there on display to be seen, just there existing. Now, I had a blank space where I could display something, anything. At this point in time, it felt like I was in a creative desert. It’d been a while since I’ve created anything with much purpose or intention. I was placing too much pressure on what the things I create ought to be without giving myself the freedom to be creative. I often have to combat myself from pigeon-holing myself and constructing arbitrary rules that I have to follow.
I realized that I’m really never going to get anywhere if I keep stopping myself and over-evaluating things into nonexistence. I had to remember that I create because of nothing else besides free will and because I like to. It doesn’t have to be more significant than that, especially at a time where the alternative is actually doing nothing. A thought that has always sat at the back of my mind is “why should I make this? I have no where to put it anyways.” Constantly concerned with where it’ll go and then it goes nowhere. For this wall, I wanted to just enjoy it. The mission is just to make and fill the wall with whatever manifests. The ironic realization of worrying about space for my art, but I hadn’t actually given my art any space on my own walls.
With all of this in mind, what came of it? A slow, yet ever-developing collage of paintings of still lifes, landscapes, portraits, and pieces of other projects. I started it out with a mission-mindset, but was pleasantly surprised that the feeling of joy I felt wasn’t from “accomplishing a goal”. It brings me joy to just see things I’ve made and see them on display, things that I made for fun or out of curiosity and watching it continue to grow. To see inspirations and experiences from different sectors of my life together clarified multiple things for me.
Truthfully, there were several obstacles in my life aside from my art block that had me occupied, which probably helped assist the latter. I can get stuck in my head and hyperfocused on negativity. To see a wall covered with things and experiences that I care about that were created by me felt significant. I was able to let myself create, and found that wonderful things can show themselves to you as you allow yourself to continue to grow.
In all of this, I took away the importance of leading with what you want to do and not to question if it's “right” or not. Essentially, to just trust yourself and the more you that you encounter along the way will be reassurance that you’re on the right track. I worried about forgetting or leaving my other paintings and was stuck fixating on a static idea. Moving on always comes with the feeling of leaving something else behind, however I’ve learned that’s a poor way of thinking about it. I’m now thinking of my older work as some sort of dormant plant, it may not be in full bloom and may just be roots somewhere buried in dirt, and even if it’s disappeared from my current thoughts, its memory can always be seen in the way new plants take life around it. Maybe next season, or next year, or in 10 years it’ll come back— but I shouldn’t hold my breath.
How did these observations answer my questions? I was putting a lot of weight on my creativity while feeling disconnected from it at the same time. Ignoring the feelings of what it has to be, and letting myself enjoy it answered what I was afraid to ask. I was afraid that I shouldn’t be doing art, that I wasn’t that good at it or that I didn’t have anything worth sharing. The act of giving my creativity the space to just flow visualized that all of those thoughts are really kind of crazy. Like it or not, art and creativity has been a defining trait in me that’s tangled with everything I do, and despite my intrusive thought’s best efforts, it will continue to spring up. Now, I wonder if I let it continue to grow without placing limitations, what could come from it?
